Just Call Me The Professional Spanker

OK so the whole theme to my blog is thrown out the window. I am consistently inconsistent. Here is a story of what happened to me today. Literally this day, Sunday, August 9, 2009. I woke up this morning at the crack ass of dawn as usual to walk my dog and what not. I decided to look through petfinder.com and craigslist for adoptable animals. I kind of want another puppy or maybe even a kitten, if it was super cool. Then I thought, "Hey maybe I should look at jobs, you know to maybe get a full time job at some point in my life" But instead i scrolled down to "adult gigs" I thought, "Hmmm, I have been seriously considering getting into porn recently...and I am a totally kinky freak...let me check out the ads." I saw several that looked appealing. I have already received twelve emails in response to these, including a porn company, "masturbating videos", and a "successful normal good looking couple looking for an attractive young female for some fun" (all offering cash money). The first to respond was Glen the 36 year old married to a Colombian getting a green card Spank fetish freak. He requests that I wear fitted jeans. He tells me he will wear women's jeans too. We met at a local hotel. I got out of my car and was totally shocked to see that Glen is a good looking man. Totally normal looking. I immediately got excited and couldn't stop smiling. I knew this was a good choice. (As opposed to it possibly being a serial killer who would kidnap, rape, and chop me into little pieces...which is a chance i guess i was willing to take today) So we get into the room. To make me feel more comfortable he starts explaining his fetish to me and how he's NOT gay at all. I am smiling the whole time because I really do not give a shit. I just want to get paid to beat the shit out of a man. I am wearing a t-shirt and jeans. I do not take any article of clothing off the entire time. So he goes into the bathroom. He comes out in the tightest women's jeans i have ever seen. I look at him, giggle, and say, "Who's pants are those?" He smiles and responds with, "I bought them. I used to wear my wife's but she doesn't like that." Me, "Does your wife know about your fetish and that you do this with strange women?" Glen, "Well she knows that I really enjoy spanking, but she doesn't know I do this. Our marriage is in shambles. Were getting divorced." Me, "Oh...sorry..okay." So he tells me to sit on the bed and he bends over my knees like a little naughty boy. He tells me to do some practice spanks since I am not experienced. I start. Then he hands me the wooden hairbrush. I hit him as hard as I could a few times. He looks and me and says, "Wow..you are pretty good." Then he takes off the jeans. He tells me not to laugh. He is wearing thong booty shorts (women's) that say "lil devil" on the ass. I immediately laugh hysterically in his face. His balls are also hanging out of the side. He awkwardly fixes them. I apologize but he doesn't seem offended. I think he thought it was cute how amused I was by the whole situation. So then he requests that I tie his ankles and wrists together so he can't escape. I love it. He is securely tied. (he brought the ties and jeans and thong with him of course) So then he lays across my lap again. He sets the timer. The deal is that i do it for three minutes. I start beating him so hard that hes crying and whimpering. He is slowly inching off of my lap and i beat him harder, while giggling like a school girl the entire time. You have no idea how exciting it is to spank someone as hard as you possibly can with a brush and know that you are going to get paid...just to beat the shit out of someone. I couldn't stop laughing. He finally crawled away on the floor and begged me to stop. It had only been a little over a minute. His face was priceless. "You are so beautiful. I'm sorry I couldn't take anymore. Next time we need to go to this place called the Dungeon where they have shackles that i definitely can't escape from you." I laugh even harder, I am sweating and out of breath. "I thought you do this all the time. I hope i didn't hurt you too bad." And I smile at him. He walked away and I saw that his entire ass was beat red and part of it was actually bleeding. We both had SO much fun. He handed me the 200 bucks. "I will DEFINITELY be calling you again." Glen said. I hugged him and told him I had a very good time.  I can't wait to get paid to beat the shit out of a man again. This might be the beginning to my career as a dominatrix. 

Have You Ever Smoked A Blunt During Sex?

I can't say when this happened or really anything about the guy it happened with. He's very private and a big believer that what happens behind closed doors is no body's business. I on the other hand, am a big believer in sharing stories for the sake of entertainment. So Bluntman and I had been hooking up on and off for a few months. No strings attached, just strictly friends with benefits. We are still good friends though and I do enjoy his company. We played our games of going on dates and ignoring each other for the chase. We didn't speak for two weeks and in that time he managed to get a girlfriend who had already told him she wanted to marry him. When he shared this with me I laughed in his face and said, "Hello?! Isn't that a HUGE warning sign to get the hell out of there fast? After only two weeks?!" Needless to say, he had no plans of marrying her. So we continued to hang out every once and a while, smoke, drink, and have sex. During one conversation, the subject of smoking a blunt during sex came up. This was something neither of us had done before and decided it was definitely something we should try. He had the house to himself, bought champagne, and rolled a blunt. I came over and we started to drink. Eventually, we ended up in his room and lit the blunt. We were both ready to do this. We started taking each other's clothes off, kissing, and passing the blunt between us all at the same time. I started sucking his dick while he sat there taking hits off the blunt. It felt like a stoner's sex fantasy come to life. He handed me the blunt as he put the condom on. He penetrated me while he took more hits. He started going faster, deeper, and harder while he would exhale his smoke into my mouth. Smoke surrounded us, we kept getting higher, and he kept thrusting deeper into me. He handed me the blunt and said, "here, take some hits." He slowly kept going in and out of me as I took a big, long hit. While watching me he said, "Oh my God, this is so hot." We were both very turned on by watching each other get high and get off. It felt so gangster! I'm getting horny just thinking about it. If you enjoy smoking marijuana, I definitely recommend smoking a blunt while fucking. You won't experience a high quite like that. 

Take It Like A Man

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My Police Report

I know this goes against the traditional style of my blog of the chronological order of my sexcapades, but I had to share this somewhere and here seemed like the only appropriate place. This is the report written by my arresting officer. I haven't changed ANYTHING in this except for my name, street/town/state names, and university campus names. Oh and maybe the cop names. I also plan on getting my court date postponed. 

On July 22, 2009 at approximately 4:15 AM while on Patrol of the Cock/Douchebags Campuses, I (P.O. Dickhead) observed a vehicle bearing So and So State Registration traveling down RideHers Lane toward North Buttfuck. The vehicle did not have proper lighting illuminating its' license plate. Upon further observations of the vehicle, I observed the vehicle to leave its' lane of travel several times, with the left tires of the vehicle touching the white fog line on several occasions. I also observed the driver repeatedly tap on the brakes while I was behind them.

I then pulled behind the vehicle and activated my emergency lights, at which time the driver did not appear to immediately recognize my emergency signals for a few seconds. The vehicle came to a stop near RideHers Lane and Route 69 exit. As I approached the driver's side of the vehicle, I observed a young female to be operating the vehicle. I immediately detected a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emanating from the cabin of the vehicle. The driver identified herself as Sexaholic Barbie (DOB 6/6/6). When asked about the odor, Barbie stated that she had two drinks at around 12:00 AM.

P.O. Jerkoff arrived on the scene as a back up unit. At that time, I asked Barbie to exit her vehicle in order to have her perform the Standard Field Sobriety Tests (SFSTs). When Barbie exited the vehicle, she lost her balance and had to use her vehicle to catch herself from falling. P.O. Jerkoff performed the Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus Test (HGN). It should be noted that I observed Barbie to be swaying side to side while P.O. Jerkoff was performing the eye test. 

I advised Barbie that she would be asked to perform two balance tests, at which time she stated that she did not have any injuries that would prevent her from performing the tests. It should be noted that while speaking outside of the vehicle, I detected a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emanating from her person. Barbie opted to take off her high heels before performing the test. P.O. Jerkoff and I ensured that the area of roadway where the tests would be performed, was flat and free from any debris. The area was also well lit by our patrol vehicles and flashlights. 

I then asked Barbie to perform the Walk and Turn test. As I explained the instructions to Barbie, she interrupted me numerous times. Barbie stated, "I wish there was someway I could get out of this right now." Barbie was unable to remain in the proper starting position while I explained the test to her. After the instruction phase, Barbie advised that she understood the test before she began. Barbie continued to ask questions as to how to perform the test while she was performing it. Barbie was unable to keep her arms down to her side as instructed. While performing the test, Barbie fell off the line and stopped half way through the first set of steps because my radio went off. Barbie advised me that my radio distracted her, at which time I allowed Barbie to start the test over. While performing the Walk and Turn, Barbie narrated each thing she was doing the entire time. Barbie also missed touching heal to toe on several steps. 

Barbie was then asked to perform the One Leg Stand Test. Again, Barbie continued to interrupt me throughout the entire explanation phase of the test. Barbie also could not keep her arms down to her sides as instructed, as she played with her hair. Barbie then stated, "This seems like an unfair test. How long do you think a sober person could even stand like that?" While performing the test, Barbie recited "14" twice, and at that point began swaying and swing her arms for balance. Barbie was so off balance that she nearly touched the ground with one of her arms as she attempted to gain back her balance. When she got to 16 her foot hit the ground, and again at 23.

Barbie was taken into custody for driving under the influence of alcohol. While escorting Barbie back to my patrol vehicle she stated, "Is there anything I can do to get out of this right now, even involving both of you guys, I don't care." Barbie was placed in marked patrol vehicle #60 for transport back to University Police Department.

While transporting Barbie back to UPD, she stated, "I offered you basically sex or anything you want. I would have done anything you wanted. We could have had a great time. This could have been a better situation for both of us." During the transport, I also observed Barbie's mood shift back and forth drastically. In one breath she would be crying, then become angry and vulgar and then she would begin laughing hysterically. 

At headquarters, Barbie was read her Miranda Rights, at which time she opted not to waive her rights. It should be noted that during the processing of Barbie, she repeatedly called Sgt. Dildo and I, "Fucking Asshole Cops." Barbie's mood swings continued to become more extreme while at headquarters. I then read Barbie the Standard Statement Form, at which time she agreed to give samples of her breath for chemical testing. All electronic devices were removed from the holding area and Barbie was observed for twenty minutes prior to Sgt. Dildo administering the ALCOTEST to Barbie. Barbie's B.A.C. was .17%.

Barbie was issued a motor vehicle violation for Driving Under the Influence, Failure to Maintain Lanes, and Maintenance of lamps. Barbie was released to her father with a North Buttfuck court date of July 29, 2009.

Rug Burn Is A Bitch

This may or may not have been my sophomore year of high school but I'm pretty sure it was. Leonardo and I had been talking again and he decided to come pick me up one night. We drove down a few streets away from my house and parked the car. He put down the back seats of his Explorer so we had enough room back there for...activities. So we went in the back seat and went at it. I rode him like a naughty little cowgirl. We fucked for at least forty five minutes. If you are unaware of car carpeting, its not luxurious at all. Not remotely similar to carpeting in a house. Its more similar to a brillo pad. So for forty five minutes I was rubbing my knees against it. This may clue you in to how much i was enjoying myself being that I didn't notice i had rubbed off the entire first layer of skin on both my knees. So we said our goodbyes and he dropped me off. My mother immediately looked at me and said, "Are you ok? You look flushed, Your face is glowing" I guess you really do get that "after sex glow". The next day I had to wear my cheer leading uniform to school and I realized i had no skin on my knees. I had huge band aids on both of my knees. My mom saw me and said, "I knew you were fooling around with him last night, I've had my share of rug burn." Lovely. Let me tell you, one thing you might never want to hear from your mom is about her rug burn from sex. There was no point in denying it. So I went to school. Leonardo thought my huge band aids  were hilarious. I had to explain to my entire cheer leading squad and my coach what happened to my knees. I made up a story that Judy and I were wrestling and she dragged me across the carpet on my knees. I have no idea why I would think this is an acceptable story to tell people. I don't think normal 16 year old girls wrestle with their best friends, but I thought it could be believable with Judy and I. I don't know if they all gave me strange looks because they didn't believe the story or because they thought it was weird that I hardcore wrestled with my best friend. I still have scars on my knees.

I Can Make Alcohol Poisoning Look Sexy

This is yet another horribly embarrassing story, like most of my life. So I'm still a sophomore and I was at a gathering (I feel like I have used the word "party" way too much) and my drink of choice this night was tequila straight from the bottle chased by funneling a corona. press repeat. I don't remember much of this night (shocking I know) but I did see some photographic evidence of me making out with another girl, Areola. Areola was pretty, loud, and funny but i have the feeling that we did it for attention, considering we never did anything like that before with each other and we let people take pictures. Some other things I do remember would include being in the bathroom with Pod. People called him Pod because his last name was Podowitz. He was a senior and a soccer player. He also happened to be one of my older brother's friends. This isn't the first or the last of my experiences with my brother's friends but this story came to mind first. So were in the bathroom with the beer funnel and the coronas. Why would anyone bring a funnel and coronas into the bathroom? I don't know. Somehow I end up on my knees sucking his dick. I am so drunk I can't see straight. Everything is blurry. I can't even sit up anymore and I all of a sudden fall over. He asks me if I'm ok. I try to recover and say I'm fine but I'm pretty sure this was when I crawled over to the toilet and started throwing up. I threw up a few times and thought I was ok. So I went out into the living room and was sitting on the couch and in mid sentence I fall over and pass out. This set off some alarms for people. I wasn't reacting to anything. I couldn't move. When they lifted my eyelids, they were rolled back in my head. No one knew what to do, so they called my older brother who was a senior. He was at another party. He came and picked me up. He was not exactly sober either and wasn't sure what to do so he brought me back to the other party he was at. I didn't really know the girl who's house he brought me too. Her mom was there though and got really worried. They called 911. Ambulances showed up. They wanted to take me to pump my stomach. Somehow I responded to this and begged them to let me go home. My parents showed up and promised to watch me through the night. I slept on the couch with my mom sleeping on the couch next to me. I don't think she slept. She probably just watched me the whole night to make sure I didn't die. The girl who's house I was at originally, called me the next day. Her parents were worried because they had provided the alcohol. They are a pretty rich family. My family could have sued them for a lot of money for serving me alcohol. When I was at this age I begged my parents not to sue them because I didn't want anyone to hate me and I knew it was my fault for drinking it. No one forced me to. But sometimes I kinda wish we did sue them, I wonder how much money we could have gotten. 

My First Girl Crush

I think this was still sophomore year, it sounds like a sophomore year kinda story. So I was at a party, (i know, what else is new right? And no, this might come as a shocker, but I didn't do anything productive or honorable with my free time, like work, or volunteer at soup kitchens) my one friend Suzie and I were drunk and went to the bathroom. Out of nowhere, she looks at me and says, "I have never kissed a girl, will you make out with me so I know what it's like?" This was a completely new and different situation for me. Suzie was very attractive. She had a really nice body, and a funny personality. I guess she asked me because she knew I had kissed Nicole a bunch of times and that I really didn't think this was a big deal. A kiss is a kiss after all. So we kissed. It was short and sweet, with a little tongue action. That was that. We didn't tell anyone. We didn't do it to impress anyone. Later, I told Judy about what happened and that I might have a crush on Suzie. None of our friends were gay or bisexual. So Judy was both shocked and appalled by my confession. Her facial expression was one I will never forget. Her eyes got really wide and she looked scared, like I might start looking at her in a different way or something. People don't seem to understand that just because you have a crush on one person, regardless of what sex they are, you are not looking at every other person sexually. Especially, if it is someone you have been very close friends with for a long time. I would never think of Judy like that. I told Judy that I thought i was "curiously bisexual". Who uses the phrase "curiously bisexual" when they are 16? Apparently I do. I guess i watched too much TV or something. I told Judy to forget I said anything, but of course that didn't happen. She would frequently make fun of me for my crush on Suzie. Nothing ever happened with Suzie again, but I now realized that I did not limit myself on who I found attractive. 

I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It

I mentioned my friend Nicole in the earlier post about vibrators. Nicole is one interesting character. She loved clubbing. She also loved ecstasy. She ended up dropping out of high school, going to jail for a while, and becoming addicted to heroin. I still love her though and miss her. We have kinda lost touch. You can probably guess that she ended up hanging out with a questionable crowd. One of the first times I ever hung out with her she got so drunk she was throwing up all over herself in a chair in some one's backyard. She liked to party. We would go to parties with all the older boys. We started hanging out with a group of guys who were seniors when we were sophomores. Somehow Nicole and I got the idea to kiss each other in front of guys so they would think we were hot. I wouldn't say that Nicole was particularly attractive, but she wasn't ugly either. She just kind of seemed asexual to me. I only kissed her because of the attention it got us from guys. I know how pathetic this sounds. We were pathetic. In a town near us there is a very popular university. We often partied here. There are these trucks that sell sandwiches that are pretty much an instant heart attack. We would go there a lot. These trucks had pictures all over them of the kids who would come and eat sandwiches. I ended up in two of these pictures. One of these pictures was of Nicole and I kissing. Another was Judy and I standing there with Jamie bent over in between us. Anyway, I eventually started dating this guy who was a senior named George. He was from South Africa and his parents had English accents. He also had a sister in my grade who probably hated me but I didn't care. So obviously I did like George more than my first boyfriend Tommy, but that doesn't say much. For some reason I never had sex with any of my boyfriends in high school. George often accused me of liking Nicole more than him because I really didn't pay that much attention to him. I mean we did have fun. He was a decent guy and attractive enough. I just didn't really care that much. I ended up breaking up with him after a month too. We just seemed better off as friends. I think the most that ever happened between us was maybe a blow job. For some reason I can't really remember though. I guess this relationship was not significantly bad or good enough to have any worthy sex stories here. Especially since it's only briefly mentioned in a post thats mainly about me making out with one of my best friends. 

My First "Boyfriend"

So at this point of my sophomore year of high school I think it's time i had a boyfriend. Tommy was a year older than me and on the soccer team. He wasn't really attractive and he almost seemed mildly retarded. Most people I knew were pretty surprised when I decided to start dating him. Our "relationship" lasted a month at most. We only hung out a few times. I did my best to avoid kissing him because he might have been the worst kisser ever. It was sloppy, slobbery, and all over the place. Thinking about him right now is actually making me nauseous. So one time I went over to Tommy's and we were watching the movie Toy Story. Why? I don't know. He seemed to think this was romantic and that the living room floor of his house was a good place for us to start making out. So we did. He started to finger me and it did nothing but make me feel uncomfortable. In fact it hurt because he was too rough and I wasn't wet. At one point he actually looked at me and said, "You seem more interested in Toy Story than hooking up with me." I made some lame attempt at saying I was sorry or something I don't know. He was gross and really turned me off. The only reason I dated him is because I felt like i needed to have a boyfriend, at least once, in order to be normal. Obviously soon after this incident I broke up with him. I almost feel bad because I did tell some cheerleaders how horrible of a kisser he was. Not really, I don't feel bad at all. Oh also he had a very small penis. I only know because I felt it through his pants and couldn't help but thinking that it might have been the smallest erection i've ever felt.

The Nipple Heard Around The World

I wanted to keep this blog anonymous, but if anyone from my town happens to read this, they will automatically know who I am. Oh well who gives a shit right? I obviously don't. So Judy and I had become very close during our sophomore year. Probably because we are both pretty insane and would constantly get in trouble. We liked to go to clubs, cut class, smoke cigarettes on school grounds, and snort Adderall in the locker room. So we decided to take our friendship to the next level. (no, not like that you sick fucks) We wanted to get friendship rings. You probably think this sounds relatively normal but I am not talking about rings you wear on your finger. We wanted to get friendship nipple rings. We had become fairly familiar with Fat Pat, a body piercer and tattoo artist who had already done Judy's tongue ring and both of our belly button rings so we came to him to get our very special friendship rings. We decided a good time to go would be one Saturday after we had Saturday detention. Judy and I had detention every single day for cutting class or being late. When you didn't show up to regular detention after school you would get Saturday detention which lasts three hours. So as you can guess, we had Saturday detention every Saturday. We would just roll out of bed in our pajamas to show up to Saturday detention. We both looked like hot messes and went to see Fat Pat. After we got them done, we each took a picture of each others' nipples using a disposable camera that Judy had in order to document our awesome day. I took a picture of Judy first. I only included her breast in the picture because I assumed that was the focus of the picture. She then took a picture of me which included my entire body and face. It was not an attractive picture of me at all. My hair was messy, i had make up smeared all over my face, and I over all looked like a crack whore with a nipple ring in my left breast. Some how this picture got "lost". I probably will never know the truth about this situation. Judy had developed these pictures and kept them in her car. She said during school one day someone must have broken into her car and stolen just that one picture. I know, I find it hard to believe myself. So I know we all hope this would be end of the story (or at least I did), but oh no it gets way worse. Some how this picture ended up on a website called "flash your rack". In order to get to my picture you have to type in a name. The name linked to my picture was the initials of my town followed by one of my older brother's first names. Not only did everyone find out about this, but eventually there were print outs of this picture floating around school. It was all over every computer in every classroom too. One morning as usual I got called down to he Principal's office. This was not unusual by any means, considering most kids who got detention on a regular basis were called down to speak to the principal in the morning. So this morning the conversation with my principal got a little weirder than usual. I believe it went along the lines of this:

Principal: "So I hear you have something in common with Paris Hilton and it's not having a lot of money."

(Amazing how in one sentence he can call me poor and slutty and act like this is appropriate)

Me: "Excuse me?"

Principal: "Everyone is talking about that picture of you going around."

Me: "Yeah, I know. I had nothing to do with that."

Principal: "Oh OK, I just wanted to make sure you weren't the one responsible for spreading it around the school. All of your teachers and classmates have seen it."

Me: "I know. Is there anything else you need to talk to me about?"

Principal: "No, you can leave. Bye. I'm sure I'll be seeing you again soon." 

(With the creepiest smile ever on his face)

Most people still associate this picture with me. 

Anal Sex and Naked Pictures

There's this guy who was in my life that I'm going to call Pizza Boy. Pizza Boy was 21 when we started hooking up, while I was 16. We met because my friend Jamie was in a relationship with his best friend John. I'm not sure how we even started hanging out with these older men considering they graduated high school before we even entered high school. None of these guys were in college. They all lived at home with their parents and had stupid jobs. Pizza Boy, as you can imagine delivered pizza for Domino's. He also somehow managed to join a fraternity. I have no idea how he did this, being that he was NOT in college. So anyway before I ended up hooking up with Pizza Boy, he had sex with my other best friend Judy a few times. They were not in a relationship whatsoever. Me, Jamie, John, and Pizza Boy all went to a concert along with some of our other friends. This is when Pizza Boy and I realized we were attracted to each other. We ended up having sex this night. I broke the news to Judy in the middle of science class. This led to her screaming at me and calling me a slut. We were yelling at each other in front of everyone and both got kicked out of class and sent to the principal. Eventually Judy accepted that I liked Pizza Boy. So Pizza Boy and I continued to have sex. Pizza Boy would constantly tell me that our age difference was too much for him to actually consider a relationship, but of course not too much for him to keep fucking me. I could not understand his logic considering my best friend Jamie, who was younger than me, ended up being in a relationship with his friend John for three years. Pizza Boy was a drug using, womanizing, douche. He eventually moved out and got a place with some other drug using dirtbags his age, who weren't in college either. They would throw parties and my friends and I would come. At one of these parties, Pizza Boy and I went into the super disgusting bathroom in their basement and proceeded to have anal sex. He used the "oh i thought that was your vagina. Can I put it in anyway?" excuse. I really liked him, so I said yes. Pizza Boy was very tall, around 6'3''. So you can probably guess he had a decent sized penis. This was very, very painful. I didn't like it at all. We did it standing up, leaning over the sink. It was one of the most painful, disgusting experiences. He came inside of me too. And just so you know, what goes up eventually has to come down. There was a lot of sitting on the toilet, feeling sick after this. This was the only time we had anal sex. We did have regular sex many, many times though. I think we stopped having sex only because one time we got in an argument over the fact that he refused to actually "date" me and I ended up sleeping with his roommate Brad. Brad had a bad boy look to him. He had his eyebrow pierced.  Somehow this night of the argument I had with Pizza Boy, Brad thought it would be appropriate to convince me to pose naked for him in several photographs. He told me he was an aspiring photographer. I was drunk, pissed off at Pizza Boy, and really naive. It was a lot of sexual and pornographic poses. Such as me bending over, laying down with my legs spread open, me touching myself, etc. The next day Brad shows Pizza Boy and all of their friends these pictures. I got very angry and demanded that he delete them. I'm still not sure if he did or not, but they haven't come back to haunt me yet. I'm pretty sure this was when I stopped hanging around all of them. I thought that was the end of these assholes in my life. Little did i know that literally seven years later, while I am on a date at a local bar in our town, I run into Pizza Boy. He sits down at the table with my date and I. He proceeds to apologize to me for "everything". I looked at him and said, "Oh yeah? What specifically are you sorry for? What is even the point? It's been SEVEN years Pizza Boy. You don't know me anymore. I'm not a stupid 16 year old girl." And he said, "I know but I really am sorry about how I treated you, and I would like to see you again. I'm different now too." It was getting weird so I rolled my eyes at him and got up to go to the bathroom. I thought maybe this response would give him the hint to leave but this is apparently when he tells my date that he is interested in seeing me again. Who the fuck does that? The nerve of this asshole. I really could not believe it. I was so upset and embarrassed that my date had to deal with this awkward situation. I would be lying though if it didn't make me feel really good to have that opportunity to hear him apologize and for me to be a complete bitch to him.

Now I'm Really No Longer A Virgin

I am still sixteen. One of the things i really enjoyed doing in high school was going to parties. One time i was at a party with some of my friends. Some how i ended up in a bedroom with Dan, the quarterback of the football team. He was in the grade above me so he was a junior. Before this night we had never spoken to each other. We just didn't really hang out in the same crowd I guess but we did have some mutual friends, which is how we ended up at this party together. So while we are in this room, we end up having sex. It wasn't great, or even really good. I can't remember any details in particular about it other than the fact that the condom broke. Yep, it broke and he came inside me. I found out later that I had just taken his virginity. So I come out of the room, and my friends had left me at this party. Luckily, my one friend lived near the house where this party was so I met up with her. She explained to me that taking five birth control pills at once and then five more eight hours later, is the same thing as taking the morning after pill. Her birth control actually did have directions for this, which now that I think about it seems kind of strange. So I told Dan that I had taken the birth control so there was nothing to worry about. Somehow a lot of people ended up finding out about Dan and I. I'm sure he told people like a typical guy. We never did become friends or hook up ever again. Which is a little weird I guess, for my first real time having sex to be a one night stand. Every time i saw Dan after that I would tease him in front of his friends about how I took his virginity. I thought this was pretty cool considering I didn't know if Leonardo was a virgin when we "had sex". As far as I know, Dan is the only person that I ever de-virginized. I did tell Dan about that story with Leonardo, so Dan didn't really feel like he took my virginity. I guess he technically didn't. I'm still not really sure which story to count as my first time, but I guess I'm leaning towards this story since it lasted more than two seconds.

Just Call Me The Robin Hood Of Vibrators

So it is still sophomore year. I was with Judy and our other friend Nicole. For some reason we became very interested in the idea of masturbation and using vibrators. We went to the novelty store "Spencers" in the mall. They had a little section dedicated to sex toys. None of us had any money but we decided  that we needed to have vibrators. I, being the brave, caring, Mother Teresa-like good friend that I am, decided that I would take one for the team and steal three vibrators for us. I was wearing a hoodie and shoved them all in the front pocket. Stealing was beginning to become a hobby, maybe even an addiction, of mine. There's nothing quite like the rush of walking out of a store with three vibrators in your shirt. So we were all very excited and couldn't wait to use them. We went back to Judy's house. She had the house to herself a lot so we liked to hang out there. We all took our vibrators and went in separate rooms. I was in the basement laying on a sleeping bag. The vibrators we stole were cheap, hard plastic, nothing remotely penis-like about them. I believe they were also hot pink. So we all go and have our fun. Nicole got very upset because her vibrator wasn't working. She decided to put her phone on vibrate to help her out. She was actually so upset I thought she might cry, but i guess the phone worked out for her. So apparently, I had a little too much fun and ended up staining the sleeping bag. Of course my friends would not let me forget about that for a very, very long time. 

We Just Had Sex?

I'm not sure how old I was when this happened or really when it happened because I tried very hard to block it out of my memory. I was probably fifteen. I was with Leonardo at my best friend Judy's house. Judy went to a private disciplinary school until 9th grade. She got kicked out of regular public school when she was in 5th grade for throwing a desk at a teacher. By age seventeen she had become a stripper. We are still best friends. She is my kinda people. So back to the story, Leonardo and I were in her basement on what in the future we would call the "sex futon". Leonardo and i were making out and getting naked and whatnot. Eventually he penetrated me. After two or three thrusts he had finished. 

He then asked, "Was that really your first time having sex?" 

I responded with, "We just had sex?" 

Lenoardo, "Uh...yeah.." 

Me, "No we didn't. I'm still a virgin. That never happened."

We never spoke about it again. He was probably embarrassed for lasting two seconds anyway. I have no idea if that was his first time and I don't care. I still don't really consider this story the first time i had sex, but i guess technically it was.

Naughty Cheerleader

Yet another story about Leonardo DaLoser. So now I'm in my sophomore year of high school, and for some reason I still liked to hook up with Leonardo. It probably was because I actually did like him and wished I could be his girlfriend, but every time we would hang out he "didn't want a relationship".  The funny thing is, a week later he all of a sudden would want a relationship with another girl and when that was over he would call me again. So anyway, I was a cheerleader and a pretty damn good one if I do say so myself. So one day after school, I went over to Leonardo's house in my cheer leading uniform. We would wear our uniforms to school on days we had games. His parents weren't home so we decided to have some fun. I took off my bloomers (the spandex underwear looking things that you wear under the skirt) and my underwear so he had some easy access. Things got pretty hot and heavy quickly. We were making out and he was fingering me. It was slow and gentle at first, then got harder and faster. I felt so sexy in my uniform. And so naughty at the same time. Our coach would always tell us we had to present ourselves a certain way (especially while in uniform), and behave in a proper manner because people look up to the cheerleaders. Just the idea of being the Naughty Cheerleader in my precious uniform made me so horny. After a while he stopped and showed me his fingers. I had gotten my period on him. I apologized and we both laughed. At least he thought it was funny too. I don't think anything could have ruined the fact that we were hooking up while i was in my uniform. I'm pretty sure this was the first time either of us had done something this kinky. This is when I realized that i really enjoy dressing up and role playing during sex.

My First And Only (Almost) Threesome

So the summer before my sophomore year of high school, my family went on a cruise to the Bahamas and Mexico. I was allowed to bring a friend, so I brought my best friend Jamie. Jamie and I met in kindergarten and had been best friends since. I wouldn't really consider her a best friend anymore but that's neither here nor there. So on this cruise Jamie and I meet a cute boy who was also on the cruise with his family. I can't remember his name at all or how old he was. For the story's purpose I'll refer to him as Matt. There was only one of Matt and two of us. Instead of forgetting about him or letting him choose between us, we agreed it would be a good idea for us to both go to his cabin for some fun. Before this, we had never tried sharing a guy before. I don't think either of us really knew what was going to happen. So we get to his room and turn off the lights. All three of us are on his bed. I kiss him first. Then he kisses Jamie. While he's kissing Jamie he sort of pushes me in the direction towards his penis. So i go along with it. He continues to kiss Jamie and play with her little teenage breasts while I start going into his bathing suit bottoms. He's already very hard. Which I would expect him to be considering we were both very good looking girls and I doubt a lot of boys get as lucky as he did that day. So I jerk him off a little and go to give him a blow job.  Suddenly, I feel like this is very weird and wrong. Why was I stuck doing all the dirty work while Jamie just got to sit there making out with the cute boy and have him fondle her boobs? Why couldn't I have a cute boy all to myself? I was done with this stupid game. I told Jamie that this was weird and we should go. She agreed. I don't think she even knew that I was doing anything to him because it was so dark in there. He obviously got upset and begged us not to go. We left anyway. This was when I realized that I don't like to share my men and I probably won't ever have a threesome. 

My First Blow Job

So after my first kiss with Leonardo we decided it would be fun to do it again, and again. We didn't go on dates. I wouldn't even say we were particularly good friends. I guess he was my first friend with benefits. Eventually I was brave enough to put his penis in my mouth. Let me tell you, he was pretty well endowed for a fourteen year old, or actually by this time i believe we were fifteen. So i decided to just go for it. I started by kissing it and licking it all over while jerking him off a little too. I don't know how I knew how to do this because none of my friends had done it yet. Putting it down my throat was more difficult than I thought. I did my best to push it deeper until it was completely inside my mouth and throat. My first time and I managed to deep throat. I wanted to gag so bad but i forced myself not to. I bobbed my head up and down his hard cock while continuing to jerk him off. He finally came and it filled my mouth with this warm, strange tasting liquid. I swallowed it. He looked so satisfied. This was when I first discovered that I really enjoyed making a guy cum. Years later he told me that he still thinks of it as the best blow job he's ever had. I know it's probably only because it was his first, but still it's something I'm proud of.  

My First Kiss

I guess i will start at the beginning of my encounters with the opposite sex. Most of my friends had already kissed boys by the time they were ten. I was now fourteen and still had not kissed a boy. I somehow managed to keep this fact from all of my friends by making up stories. So here I am, fourteen, over my friend Jane's house with some of my girlfriends. Some boys in our grade came over too. I only cared about one boy in particular, let's call him Leonardo. Leonardo was the popular, good looking jock that every girl wanted to be with, and every guy wanted to be. So Leonardo and I had been chatting online about hooking up. No, not about being boyfriend and girlfriend, but about what things we would do to each other. So the time had come. He was there, so was I, and somehow he eventually suggested that we go upstairs to the bedroom. We started kissing. He didn't know I never kissed a boy before and he immediately shoved his tongue in my mouth. I was scared and excited all at the same time. I couldn't believe i was making out with the guy i had such a huge crush on. After a lot of kissing, he decided to pull down his pants. This was the first time I had ever seen a penis, in real life, so close to my face. I was scared. I told him i wasn't ready to give him a blow job. I knew what a blow job was from our previous online conversations, where I pretended to know what he was talking about. So instead I jerked him off a little bit, not really knowing what I was doing. He eventually decided to please me instead. After fingering me a bit he then took off my pants. I wasn't wearing sexy underwear. I didn't even own sexy underwear. I was wearing regular tighty whities that had purple snowflakes on them. He took them off. I was uneducated in the art of pubic hair grooming so i still had a trail of hair down there. (which I later found out was a detail he shared with everyone) So he went down on me and started giving me oral sex. I had never felt anything like that before. It was warm and wet and wonderful. It didn't take me long to have an orgasm. I had never even really masturbated before this. Leonardo and I were some of the first people in our grade to perform the act of oral sex. He was so proud of this, that he felt the need to share this information with every person he knew. I wasn't particularly popular in school yet. I was a pretty girl, skinny, and had blond hair. I had my own group of friends but now this was the beginning of my reputation as a slut. After this most people started to notice me because of my experience with Leonardo. All of this happened with just my first kiss, and I never even had a boyfriend yet.