Take It Like A Man

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My Police Report

I know this goes against the traditional style of my blog of the chronological order of my sexcapades, but I had to share this somewhere and here seemed like the only appropriate place. This is the report written by my arresting officer. I haven't changed ANYTHING in this except for my name, street/town/state names, and university campus names. Oh and maybe the cop names. I also plan on getting my court date postponed. 

On July 22, 2009 at approximately 4:15 AM while on Patrol of the Cock/Douchebags Campuses, I (P.O. Dickhead) observed a vehicle bearing So and So State Registration traveling down RideHers Lane toward North Buttfuck. The vehicle did not have proper lighting illuminating its' license plate. Upon further observations of the vehicle, I observed the vehicle to leave its' lane of travel several times, with the left tires of the vehicle touching the white fog line on several occasions. I also observed the driver repeatedly tap on the brakes while I was behind them.

I then pulled behind the vehicle and activated my emergency lights, at which time the driver did not appear to immediately recognize my emergency signals for a few seconds. The vehicle came to a stop near RideHers Lane and Route 69 exit. As I approached the driver's side of the vehicle, I observed a young female to be operating the vehicle. I immediately detected a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emanating from the cabin of the vehicle. The driver identified herself as Sexaholic Barbie (DOB 6/6/6). When asked about the odor, Barbie stated that she had two drinks at around 12:00 AM.

P.O. Jerkoff arrived on the scene as a back up unit. At that time, I asked Barbie to exit her vehicle in order to have her perform the Standard Field Sobriety Tests (SFSTs). When Barbie exited the vehicle, she lost her balance and had to use her vehicle to catch herself from falling. P.O. Jerkoff performed the Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus Test (HGN). It should be noted that I observed Barbie to be swaying side to side while P.O. Jerkoff was performing the eye test. 

I advised Barbie that she would be asked to perform two balance tests, at which time she stated that she did not have any injuries that would prevent her from performing the tests. It should be noted that while speaking outside of the vehicle, I detected a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emanating from her person. Barbie opted to take off her high heels before performing the test. P.O. Jerkoff and I ensured that the area of roadway where the tests would be performed, was flat and free from any debris. The area was also well lit by our patrol vehicles and flashlights. 

I then asked Barbie to perform the Walk and Turn test. As I explained the instructions to Barbie, she interrupted me numerous times. Barbie stated, "I wish there was someway I could get out of this right now." Barbie was unable to remain in the proper starting position while I explained the test to her. After the instruction phase, Barbie advised that she understood the test before she began. Barbie continued to ask questions as to how to perform the test while she was performing it. Barbie was unable to keep her arms down to her side as instructed. While performing the test, Barbie fell off the line and stopped half way through the first set of steps because my radio went off. Barbie advised me that my radio distracted her, at which time I allowed Barbie to start the test over. While performing the Walk and Turn, Barbie narrated each thing she was doing the entire time. Barbie also missed touching heal to toe on several steps. 

Barbie was then asked to perform the One Leg Stand Test. Again, Barbie continued to interrupt me throughout the entire explanation phase of the test. Barbie also could not keep her arms down to her sides as instructed, as she played with her hair. Barbie then stated, "This seems like an unfair test. How long do you think a sober person could even stand like that?" While performing the test, Barbie recited "14" twice, and at that point began swaying and swing her arms for balance. Barbie was so off balance that she nearly touched the ground with one of her arms as she attempted to gain back her balance. When she got to 16 her foot hit the ground, and again at 23.

Barbie was taken into custody for driving under the influence of alcohol. While escorting Barbie back to my patrol vehicle she stated, "Is there anything I can do to get out of this right now, even involving both of you guys, I don't care." Barbie was placed in marked patrol vehicle #60 for transport back to University Police Department.

While transporting Barbie back to UPD, she stated, "I offered you basically sex or anything you want. I would have done anything you wanted. We could have had a great time. This could have been a better situation for both of us." During the transport, I also observed Barbie's mood shift back and forth drastically. In one breath she would be crying, then become angry and vulgar and then she would begin laughing hysterically. 

At headquarters, Barbie was read her Miranda Rights, at which time she opted not to waive her rights. It should be noted that during the processing of Barbie, she repeatedly called Sgt. Dildo and I, "Fucking Asshole Cops." Barbie's mood swings continued to become more extreme while at headquarters. I then read Barbie the Standard Statement Form, at which time she agreed to give samples of her breath for chemical testing. All electronic devices were removed from the holding area and Barbie was observed for twenty minutes prior to Sgt. Dildo administering the ALCOTEST to Barbie. Barbie's B.A.C. was .17%.

Barbie was issued a motor vehicle violation for Driving Under the Influence, Failure to Maintain Lanes, and Maintenance of lamps. Barbie was released to her father with a North Buttfuck court date of July 29, 2009.

Rug Burn Is A Bitch

This may or may not have been my sophomore year of high school but I'm pretty sure it was. Leonardo and I had been talking again and he decided to come pick me up one night. We drove down a few streets away from my house and parked the car. He put down the back seats of his Explorer so we had enough room back there for...activities. So we went in the back seat and went at it. I rode him like a naughty little cowgirl. We fucked for at least forty five minutes. If you are unaware of car carpeting, its not luxurious at all. Not remotely similar to carpeting in a house. Its more similar to a brillo pad. So for forty five minutes I was rubbing my knees against it. This may clue you in to how much i was enjoying myself being that I didn't notice i had rubbed off the entire first layer of skin on both my knees. So we said our goodbyes and he dropped me off. My mother immediately looked at me and said, "Are you ok? You look flushed, Your face is glowing" I guess you really do get that "after sex glow". The next day I had to wear my cheer leading uniform to school and I realized i had no skin on my knees. I had huge band aids on both of my knees. My mom saw me and said, "I knew you were fooling around with him last night, I've had my share of rug burn." Lovely. Let me tell you, one thing you might never want to hear from your mom is about her rug burn from sex. There was no point in denying it. So I went to school. Leonardo thought my huge band aids  were hilarious. I had to explain to my entire cheer leading squad and my coach what happened to my knees. I made up a story that Judy and I were wrestling and she dragged me across the carpet on my knees. I have no idea why I would think this is an acceptable story to tell people. I don't think normal 16 year old girls wrestle with their best friends, but I thought it could be believable with Judy and I. I don't know if they all gave me strange looks because they didn't believe the story or because they thought it was weird that I hardcore wrestled with my best friend. I still have scars on my knees.

I Can Make Alcohol Poisoning Look Sexy

This is yet another horribly embarrassing story, like most of my life. So I'm still a sophomore and I was at a gathering (I feel like I have used the word "party" way too much) and my drink of choice this night was tequila straight from the bottle chased by funneling a corona. press repeat. I don't remember much of this night (shocking I know) but I did see some photographic evidence of me making out with another girl, Areola. Areola was pretty, loud, and funny but i have the feeling that we did it for attention, considering we never did anything like that before with each other and we let people take pictures. Some other things I do remember would include being in the bathroom with Pod. People called him Pod because his last name was Podowitz. He was a senior and a soccer player. He also happened to be one of my older brother's friends. This isn't the first or the last of my experiences with my brother's friends but this story came to mind first. So were in the bathroom with the beer funnel and the coronas. Why would anyone bring a funnel and coronas into the bathroom? I don't know. Somehow I end up on my knees sucking his dick. I am so drunk I can't see straight. Everything is blurry. I can't even sit up anymore and I all of a sudden fall over. He asks me if I'm ok. I try to recover and say I'm fine but I'm pretty sure this was when I crawled over to the toilet and started throwing up. I threw up a few times and thought I was ok. So I went out into the living room and was sitting on the couch and in mid sentence I fall over and pass out. This set off some alarms for people. I wasn't reacting to anything. I couldn't move. When they lifted my eyelids, they were rolled back in my head. No one knew what to do, so they called my older brother who was a senior. He was at another party. He came and picked me up. He was not exactly sober either and wasn't sure what to do so he brought me back to the other party he was at. I didn't really know the girl who's house he brought me too. Her mom was there though and got really worried. They called 911. Ambulances showed up. They wanted to take me to pump my stomach. Somehow I responded to this and begged them to let me go home. My parents showed up and promised to watch me through the night. I slept on the couch with my mom sleeping on the couch next to me. I don't think she slept. She probably just watched me the whole night to make sure I didn't die. The girl who's house I was at originally, called me the next day. Her parents were worried because they had provided the alcohol. They are a pretty rich family. My family could have sued them for a lot of money for serving me alcohol. When I was at this age I begged my parents not to sue them because I didn't want anyone to hate me and I knew it was my fault for drinking it. No one forced me to. But sometimes I kinda wish we did sue them, I wonder how much money we could have gotten. 

My First Girl Crush

I think this was still sophomore year, it sounds like a sophomore year kinda story. So I was at a party, (i know, what else is new right? And no, this might come as a shocker, but I didn't do anything productive or honorable with my free time, like work, or volunteer at soup kitchens) my one friend Suzie and I were drunk and went to the bathroom. Out of nowhere, she looks at me and says, "I have never kissed a girl, will you make out with me so I know what it's like?" This was a completely new and different situation for me. Suzie was very attractive. She had a really nice body, and a funny personality. I guess she asked me because she knew I had kissed Nicole a bunch of times and that I really didn't think this was a big deal. A kiss is a kiss after all. So we kissed. It was short and sweet, with a little tongue action. That was that. We didn't tell anyone. We didn't do it to impress anyone. Later, I told Judy about what happened and that I might have a crush on Suzie. None of our friends were gay or bisexual. So Judy was both shocked and appalled by my confession. Her facial expression was one I will never forget. Her eyes got really wide and she looked scared, like I might start looking at her in a different way or something. People don't seem to understand that just because you have a crush on one person, regardless of what sex they are, you are not looking at every other person sexually. Especially, if it is someone you have been very close friends with for a long time. I would never think of Judy like that. I told Judy that I thought i was "curiously bisexual". Who uses the phrase "curiously bisexual" when they are 16? Apparently I do. I guess i watched too much TV or something. I told Judy to forget I said anything, but of course that didn't happen. She would frequently make fun of me for my crush on Suzie. Nothing ever happened with Suzie again, but I now realized that I did not limit myself on who I found attractive. 

I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It

I mentioned my friend Nicole in the earlier post about vibrators. Nicole is one interesting character. She loved clubbing. She also loved ecstasy. She ended up dropping out of high school, going to jail for a while, and becoming addicted to heroin. I still love her though and miss her. We have kinda lost touch. You can probably guess that she ended up hanging out with a questionable crowd. One of the first times I ever hung out with her she got so drunk she was throwing up all over herself in a chair in some one's backyard. She liked to party. We would go to parties with all the older boys. We started hanging out with a group of guys who were seniors when we were sophomores. Somehow Nicole and I got the idea to kiss each other in front of guys so they would think we were hot. I wouldn't say that Nicole was particularly attractive, but she wasn't ugly either. She just kind of seemed asexual to me. I only kissed her because of the attention it got us from guys. I know how pathetic this sounds. We were pathetic. In a town near us there is a very popular university. We often partied here. There are these trucks that sell sandwiches that are pretty much an instant heart attack. We would go there a lot. These trucks had pictures all over them of the kids who would come and eat sandwiches. I ended up in two of these pictures. One of these pictures was of Nicole and I kissing. Another was Judy and I standing there with Jamie bent over in between us. Anyway, I eventually started dating this guy who was a senior named George. He was from South Africa and his parents had English accents. He also had a sister in my grade who probably hated me but I didn't care. So obviously I did like George more than my first boyfriend Tommy, but that doesn't say much. For some reason I never had sex with any of my boyfriends in high school. George often accused me of liking Nicole more than him because I really didn't pay that much attention to him. I mean we did have fun. He was a decent guy and attractive enough. I just didn't really care that much. I ended up breaking up with him after a month too. We just seemed better off as friends. I think the most that ever happened between us was maybe a blow job. For some reason I can't really remember though. I guess this relationship was not significantly bad or good enough to have any worthy sex stories here. Especially since it's only briefly mentioned in a post thats mainly about me making out with one of my best friends. 

My First "Boyfriend"

So at this point of my sophomore year of high school I think it's time i had a boyfriend. Tommy was a year older than me and on the soccer team. He wasn't really attractive and he almost seemed mildly retarded. Most people I knew were pretty surprised when I decided to start dating him. Our "relationship" lasted a month at most. We only hung out a few times. I did my best to avoid kissing him because he might have been the worst kisser ever. It was sloppy, slobbery, and all over the place. Thinking about him right now is actually making me nauseous. So one time I went over to Tommy's and we were watching the movie Toy Story. Why? I don't know. He seemed to think this was romantic and that the living room floor of his house was a good place for us to start making out. So we did. He started to finger me and it did nothing but make me feel uncomfortable. In fact it hurt because he was too rough and I wasn't wet. At one point he actually looked at me and said, "You seem more interested in Toy Story than hooking up with me." I made some lame attempt at saying I was sorry or something I don't know. He was gross and really turned me off. The only reason I dated him is because I felt like i needed to have a boyfriend, at least once, in order to be normal. Obviously soon after this incident I broke up with him. I almost feel bad because I did tell some cheerleaders how horrible of a kisser he was. Not really, I don't feel bad at all. Oh also he had a very small penis. I only know because I felt it through his pants and couldn't help but thinking that it might have been the smallest erection i've ever felt.