Sunday, August 9, 2009

Just Call Me The Professional Spanker

OK so the whole theme to my blog is thrown out the window. I am consistently inconsistent. Here is a story of what happened to me today. Literally this day, Sunday, August 9, 2009. I woke up this morning at the crack ass of dawn as usual to walk my dog and what not. I decided to look through and craigslist for adoptable animals. I kind of want another puppy or maybe even a kitten, if it was super cool. Then I thought, "Hey maybe I should look at jobs, you know to maybe get a full time job at some point in my life" But instead i scrolled down to "adult gigs" I thought, "Hmmm, I have been seriously considering getting into porn recently...and I am a totally kinky freak...let me check out the ads." I saw several that looked appealing. I have already received twelve emails in response to these, including a porn company, "masturbating videos", and a "successful normal good looking couple looking for an attractive young female for some fun" (all offering cash money). The first to respond was Glen the 36 year old married to a Colombian getting a green card Spank fetish freak. He requests that I wear fitted jeans. He tells me he will wear women's jeans too. We met at a local hotel. I got out of my car and was totally shocked to see that Glen is a good looking man. Totally normal looking. I immediately got excited and couldn't stop smiling. I knew this was a good choice. (As opposed to it possibly being a serial killer who would kidnap, rape, and chop me into little pieces...which is a chance i guess i was willing to take today) So we get into the room. To make me feel more comfortable he starts explaining his fetish to me and how he's NOT gay at all. I am smiling the whole time because I really do not give a shit. I just want to get paid to beat the shit out of a man. I am wearing a t-shirt and jeans. I do not take any article of clothing off the entire time. So he goes into the bathroom. He comes out in the tightest women's jeans i have ever seen. I look at him, giggle, and say, "Who's pants are those?" He smiles and responds with, "I bought them. I used to wear my wife's but she doesn't like that." Me, "Does your wife know about your fetish and that you do this with strange women?" Glen, "Well she knows that I really enjoy spanking, but she doesn't know I do this. Our marriage is in shambles. Were getting divorced." Me, "Oh...sorry..okay." So he tells me to sit on the bed and he bends over my knees like a little naughty boy. He tells me to do some practice spanks since I am not experienced. I start. Then he hands me the wooden hairbrush. I hit him as hard as I could a few times. He looks and me and says, " are pretty good." Then he takes off the jeans. He tells me not to laugh. He is wearing thong booty shorts (women's) that say "lil devil" on the ass. I immediately laugh hysterically in his face. His balls are also hanging out of the side. He awkwardly fixes them. I apologize but he doesn't seem offended. I think he thought it was cute how amused I was by the whole situation. So then he requests that I tie his ankles and wrists together so he can't escape. I love it. He is securely tied. (he brought the ties and jeans and thong with him of course) So then he lays across my lap again. He sets the timer. The deal is that i do it for three minutes. I start beating him so hard that hes crying and whimpering. He is slowly inching off of my lap and i beat him harder, while giggling like a school girl the entire time. You have no idea how exciting it is to spank someone as hard as you possibly can with a brush and know that you are going to get paid...just to beat the shit out of someone. I couldn't stop laughing. He finally crawled away on the floor and begged me to stop. It had only been a little over a minute. His face was priceless. "You are so beautiful. I'm sorry I couldn't take anymore. Next time we need to go to this place called the Dungeon where they have shackles that i definitely can't escape from you." I laugh even harder, I am sweating and out of breath. "I thought you do this all the time. I hope i didn't hurt you too bad." And I smile at him. He walked away and I saw that his entire ass was beat red and part of it was actually bleeding. We both had SO much fun. He handed me the 200 bucks. "I will DEFINITELY be calling you again." Glen said. I hugged him and told him I had a very good time.  I can't wait to get paid to beat the shit out of a man again. This might be the beginning to my career as a dominatrix. 

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Have You Ever Smoked A Blunt During Sex?

I can't say when this happened or really anything about the guy it happened with. He's very private and a big believer that what happens behind closed doors is no body's business. I on the other hand, am a big believer in sharing stories for the sake of entertainment. So Bluntman and I had been hooking up on and off for a few months. No strings attached, just strictly friends with benefits. We are still good friends though and I do enjoy his company. We played our games of going on dates and ignoring each other for the chase. We didn't speak for two weeks and in that time he managed to get a girlfriend who had already told him she wanted to marry him. When he shared this with me I laughed in his face and said, "Hello?! Isn't that a HUGE warning sign to get the hell out of there fast? After only two weeks?!" Needless to say, he had no plans of marrying her. So we continued to hang out every once and a while, smoke, drink, and have sex. During one conversation, the subject of smoking a blunt during sex came up. This was something neither of us had done before and decided it was definitely something we should try. He had the house to himself, bought champagne, and rolled a blunt. I came over and we started to drink. Eventually, we ended up in his room and lit the blunt. We were both ready to do this. We started taking each other's clothes off, kissing, and passing the blunt between us all at the same time. I started sucking his dick while he sat there taking hits off the blunt. It felt like a stoner's sex fantasy come to life. He handed me the blunt as he put the condom on. He penetrated me while he took more hits. He started going faster, deeper, and harder while he would exhale his smoke into my mouth. Smoke surrounded us, we kept getting higher, and he kept thrusting deeper into me. He handed me the blunt and said, "here, take some hits." He slowly kept going in and out of me as I took a big, long hit. While watching me he said, "Oh my God, this is so hot." We were both very turned on by watching each other get high and get off. It felt so gangster! I'm getting horny just thinking about it. If you enjoy smoking marijuana, I definitely recommend smoking a blunt while fucking. You won't experience a high quite like that. 

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Take It Like A Man

I know I am a huge narcissist for having this secret identity on here (which I believe is becoming less and less secret every day) and writing this blog, but for once I'm gonna take a breather from talking about myself all the time. This post will be dedicated to Judy. I hope you can keep up with my friends, Judy is the one who I got the friendship nipple piercing with. So anyway, I didn't give Judy any warning about my secret life on the internet. I randomly sent her a message on facebook that had the link to my twitter and blog. She eventually responded with a series of text messages. First was, "hahah I'm Judy." Then came, "I love you but you are insane." Followed by, "you have to write about this, oh and this, and definitely this story." This is exactly why I love Judy, because she was not surprised at all that I'm doing this and then she was just as excited as me about documenting our slutty adventures. Unfortunately Judy lives ten hours away from me now so I no longer get to see her as often as I would like to. So here was Judy's first request, the story of how she lost her virginity. This might seem a little boring and "been there, done that", but no it is completely different. Judy lost her anal virginity before her regular old vaginal virginity. She lost it our sophomore year of high school to a guy who was an acquaintance of Pizza Boy. I'm still not sure if i want to call him Captain Sphincter, infamous butt pirate, or Sir Sphincter, the knight in shining armor who rescues damsels in distress of still being an anal virgin. I'll probably just call him Sphincter. So she had been seeing Sphincter for a little bit and he decided to come over to her house. They ended up in the shower together and then decided to have a little anal. They used body wash as lube but it still hurt Judy and she was complaining. Sphincter's reaction was words of encouragement that will NEVER be forgotten. He said, "Take it like a man!" Yes ladies and gentlemen, he actually told her to take it in her ass like a man. Maybe he knew from personal experience. Years later, Judy and I decided to prank call Sphincter. He picks up, "Hello?" Me, "I heard you are gay now." Sphincter, "Who is this?" Me, "Are you gay?" Sphincter hangs up. He never did deny it.

Monday, July 27, 2009

My Police Report

I know this goes against the traditional style of my blog of the chronological order of my sexcapades, but I had to share this somewhere and here seemed like the only appropriate place. This is the report written by my arresting officer. I haven't changed ANYTHING in this except for my name, street/town/state names, and university campus names. Oh and maybe the cop names. I also plan on getting my court date postponed. 

On July 22, 2009 at approximately 4:15 AM while on Patrol of the Cock/Douchebags Campuses, I (P.O. Dickhead) observed a vehicle bearing So and So State Registration traveling down RideHers Lane toward North Buttfuck. The vehicle did not have proper lighting illuminating its' license plate. Upon further observations of the vehicle, I observed the vehicle to leave its' lane of travel several times, with the left tires of the vehicle touching the white fog line on several occasions. I also observed the driver repeatedly tap on the brakes while I was behind them.

I then pulled behind the vehicle and activated my emergency lights, at which time the driver did not appear to immediately recognize my emergency signals for a few seconds. The vehicle came to a stop near RideHers Lane and Route 69 exit. As I approached the driver's side of the vehicle, I observed a young female to be operating the vehicle. I immediately detected a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emanating from the cabin of the vehicle. The driver identified herself as Sexaholic Barbie (DOB 6/6/6). When asked about the odor, Barbie stated that she had two drinks at around 12:00 AM.

P.O. Jerkoff arrived on the scene as a back up unit. At that time, I asked Barbie to exit her vehicle in order to have her perform the Standard Field Sobriety Tests (SFSTs). When Barbie exited the vehicle, she lost her balance and had to use her vehicle to catch herself from falling. P.O. Jerkoff performed the Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus Test (HGN). It should be noted that I observed Barbie to be swaying side to side while P.O. Jerkoff was performing the eye test. 

I advised Barbie that she would be asked to perform two balance tests, at which time she stated that she did not have any injuries that would prevent her from performing the tests. It should be noted that while speaking outside of the vehicle, I detected a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emanating from her person. Barbie opted to take off her high heels before performing the test. P.O. Jerkoff and I ensured that the area of roadway where the tests would be performed, was flat and free from any debris. The area was also well lit by our patrol vehicles and flashlights. 

I then asked Barbie to perform the Walk and Turn test. As I explained the instructions to Barbie, she interrupted me numerous times. Barbie stated, "I wish there was someway I could get out of this right now." Barbie was unable to remain in the proper starting position while I explained the test to her. After the instruction phase, Barbie advised that she understood the test before she began. Barbie continued to ask questions as to how to perform the test while she was performing it. Barbie was unable to keep her arms down to her side as instructed. While performing the test, Barbie fell off the line and stopped half way through the first set of steps because my radio went off. Barbie advised me that my radio distracted her, at which time I allowed Barbie to start the test over. While performing the Walk and Turn, Barbie narrated each thing she was doing the entire time. Barbie also missed touching heal to toe on several steps. 

Barbie was then asked to perform the One Leg Stand Test. Again, Barbie continued to interrupt me throughout the entire explanation phase of the test. Barbie also could not keep her arms down to her sides as instructed, as she played with her hair. Barbie then stated, "This seems like an unfair test. How long do you think a sober person could even stand like that?" While performing the test, Barbie recited "14" twice, and at that point began swaying and swing her arms for balance. Barbie was so off balance that she nearly touched the ground with one of her arms as she attempted to gain back her balance. When she got to 16 her foot hit the ground, and again at 23.

Barbie was taken into custody for driving under the influence of alcohol. While escorting Barbie back to my patrol vehicle she stated, "Is there anything I can do to get out of this right now, even involving both of you guys, I don't care." Barbie was placed in marked patrol vehicle #60 for transport back to University Police Department.

While transporting Barbie back to UPD, she stated, "I offered you basically sex or anything you want. I would have done anything you wanted. We could have had a great time. This could have been a better situation for both of us." During the transport, I also observed Barbie's mood shift back and forth drastically. In one breath she would be crying, then become angry and vulgar and then she would begin laughing hysterically. 

At headquarters, Barbie was read her Miranda Rights, at which time she opted not to waive her rights. It should be noted that during the processing of Barbie, she repeatedly called Sgt. Dildo and I, "Fucking Asshole Cops." Barbie's mood swings continued to become more extreme while at headquarters. I then read Barbie the Standard Statement Form, at which time she agreed to give samples of her breath for chemical testing. All electronic devices were removed from the holding area and Barbie was observed for twenty minutes prior to Sgt. Dildo administering the ALCOTEST to Barbie. Barbie's B.A.C. was .17%.

Barbie was issued a motor vehicle violation for Driving Under the Influence, Failure to Maintain Lanes, and Maintenance of lamps. Barbie was released to her father with a North Buttfuck court date of July 29, 2009.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Rug Burn Is A Bitch

This may or may not have been my sophomore year of high school but I'm pretty sure it was. Leonardo and I had been talking again and he decided to come pick me up one night. We drove down a few streets away from my house and parked the car. He put down the back seats of his Explorer so we had enough room back there for...activities. So we went in the back seat and went at it. I rode him like a naughty little cowgirl. We fucked for at least forty five minutes. If you are unaware of car carpeting, its not luxurious at all. Not remotely similar to carpeting in a house. Its more similar to a brillo pad. So for forty five minutes I was rubbing my knees against it. This may clue you in to how much i was enjoying myself being that I didn't notice i had rubbed off the entire first layer of skin on both my knees. So we said our goodbyes and he dropped me off. My mother immediately looked at me and said, "Are you ok? You look flushed, Your face is glowing" I guess you really do get that "after sex glow". The next day I had to wear my cheer leading uniform to school and I realized i had no skin on my knees. I had huge band aids on both of my knees. My mom saw me and said, "I knew you were fooling around with him last night, I've had my share of rug burn." Lovely. Let me tell you, one thing you might never want to hear from your mom is about her rug burn from sex. There was no point in denying it. So I went to school. Leonardo thought my huge band aids  were hilarious. I had to explain to my entire cheer leading squad and my coach what happened to my knees. I made up a story that Judy and I were wrestling and she dragged me across the carpet on my knees. I have no idea why I would think this is an acceptable story to tell people. I don't think normal 16 year old girls wrestle with their best friends, but I thought it could be believable with Judy and I. I don't know if they all gave me strange looks because they didn't believe the story or because they thought it was weird that I hardcore wrestled with my best friend. I still have scars on my knees.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I Can Make Alcohol Poisoning Look Sexy

This is yet another horribly embarrassing story, like most of my life. So I'm still a sophomore and I was at a gathering (I feel like I have used the word "party" way too much) and my drink of choice this night was tequila straight from the bottle chased by funneling a corona. press repeat. I don't remember much of this night (shocking I know) but I did see some photographic evidence of me making out with another girl, Areola. Areola was pretty, loud, and funny but i have the feeling that we did it for attention, considering we never did anything like that before with each other and we let people take pictures. Some other things I do remember would include being in the bathroom with Pod. People called him Pod because his last name was Podowitz. He was a senior and a soccer player. He also happened to be one of my older brother's friends. This isn't the first or the last of my experiences with my brother's friends but this story came to mind first. So were in the bathroom with the beer funnel and the coronas. Why would anyone bring a funnel and coronas into the bathroom? I don't know. Somehow I end up on my knees sucking his dick. I am so drunk I can't see straight. Everything is blurry. I can't even sit up anymore and I all of a sudden fall over. He asks me if I'm ok. I try to recover and say I'm fine but I'm pretty sure this was when I crawled over to the toilet and started throwing up. I threw up a few times and thought I was ok. So I went out into the living room and was sitting on the couch and in mid sentence I fall over and pass out. This set off some alarms for people. I wasn't reacting to anything. I couldn't move. When they lifted my eyelids, they were rolled back in my head. No one knew what to do, so they called my older brother who was a senior. He was at another party. He came and picked me up. He was not exactly sober either and wasn't sure what to do so he brought me back to the other party he was at. I didn't really know the girl who's house he brought me too. Her mom was there though and got really worried. They called 911. Ambulances showed up. They wanted to take me to pump my stomach. Somehow I responded to this and begged them to let me go home. My parents showed up and promised to watch me through the night. I slept on the couch with my mom sleeping on the couch next to me. I don't think she slept. She probably just watched me the whole night to make sure I didn't die. The girl who's house I was at originally, called me the next day. Her parents were worried because they had provided the alcohol. They are a pretty rich family. My family could have sued them for a lot of money for serving me alcohol. When I was at this age I begged my parents not to sue them because I didn't want anyone to hate me and I knew it was my fault for drinking it. No one forced me to. But sometimes I kinda wish we did sue them, I wonder how much money we could have gotten. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

My First Girl Crush

I think this was still sophomore year, it sounds like a sophomore year kinda story. So I was at a party, (i know, what else is new right? And no, this might come as a shocker, but I didn't do anything productive or honorable with my free time, like work, or volunteer at soup kitchens) my one friend Suzie and I were drunk and went to the bathroom. Out of nowhere, she looks at me and says, "I have never kissed a girl, will you make out with me so I know what it's like?" This was a completely new and different situation for me. Suzie was very attractive. She had a really nice body, and a funny personality. I guess she asked me because she knew I had kissed Nicole a bunch of times and that I really didn't think this was a big deal. A kiss is a kiss after all. So we kissed. It was short and sweet, with a little tongue action. That was that. We didn't tell anyone. We didn't do it to impress anyone. Later, I told Judy about what happened and that I might have a crush on Suzie. None of our friends were gay or bisexual. So Judy was both shocked and appalled by my confession. Her facial expression was one I will never forget. Her eyes got really wide and she looked scared, like I might start looking at her in a different way or something. People don't seem to understand that just because you have a crush on one person, regardless of what sex they are, you are not looking at every other person sexually. Especially, if it is someone you have been very close friends with for a long time. I would never think of Judy like that. I told Judy that I thought i was "curiously bisexual". Who uses the phrase "curiously bisexual" when they are 16? Apparently I do. I guess i watched too much TV or something. I told Judy to forget I said anything, but of course that didn't happen. She would frequently make fun of me for my crush on Suzie. Nothing ever happened with Suzie again, but I now realized that I did not limit myself on who I found attractive.