On July 22, 2009 at approximately 4:15 AM while on Patrol of the Cock/Douchebags Campuses, I (P.O. Dickhead) observed a vehicle bearing So and So State Registration traveling down RideHers Lane toward North Buttfuck. The vehicle did not have proper lighting illuminating its' license plate. Upon further observations of the vehicle, I observed the vehicle to leave its' lane of travel several times, with the left tires of the vehicle touching the white fog line on several occasions. I also observed the driver repeatedly tap on the brakes while I was behind them.
I then pulled behind the vehicle and activated my emergency lights, at which time the driver did not appear to immediately recognize my emergency signals for a few seconds. The vehicle came to a stop near RideHers Lane and Route 69 exit. As I approached the driver's side of the vehicle, I observed a young female to be operating the vehicle. I immediately detected a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emanating from the cabin of the vehicle. The driver identified herself as Sexaholic Barbie (DOB 6/6/6). When asked about the odor, Barbie stated that she had two drinks at around 12:00 AM.
P.O. Jerkoff arrived on the scene as a back up unit. At that time, I asked Barbie to exit her vehicle in order to have her perform the Standard Field Sobriety Tests (SFSTs). When Barbie exited the vehicle, she lost her balance and had to use her vehicle to catch herself from falling. P.O. Jerkoff performed the Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus Test (HGN). It should be noted that I observed Barbie to be swaying side to side while P.O. Jerkoff was performing the eye test.
I advised Barbie that she would be asked to perform two balance tests, at which time she stated that she did not have any injuries that would prevent her from performing the tests. It should be noted that while speaking outside of the vehicle, I detected a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emanating from her person. Barbie opted to take off her high heels before performing the test. P.O. Jerkoff and I ensured that the area of roadway where the tests would be performed, was flat and free from any debris. The area was also well lit by our patrol vehicles and flashlights.
I then asked Barbie to perform the Walk and Turn test. As I explained the instructions to Barbie, she interrupted me numerous times. Barbie stated, "I wish there was someway I could get out of this right now." Barbie was unable to remain in the proper starting position while I explained the test to her. After the instruction phase, Barbie advised that she understood the test before she began. Barbie continued to ask questions as to how to perform the test while she was performing it. Barbie was unable to keep her arms down to her side as instructed. While performing the test, Barbie fell off the line and stopped half way through the first set of steps because my radio went off. Barbie advised me that my radio distracted her, at which time I allowed Barbie to start the test over. While performing the Walk and Turn, Barbie narrated each thing she was doing the entire time. Barbie also missed touching heal to toe on several steps.
Barbie was then asked to perform the One Leg Stand Test. Again, Barbie continued to interrupt me throughout the entire explanation phase of the test. Barbie also could not keep her arms down to her sides as instructed, as she played with her hair. Barbie then stated, "This seems like an unfair test. How long do you think a sober person could even stand like that?" While performing the test, Barbie recited "14" twice, and at that point began swaying and swing her arms for balance. Barbie was so off balance that she nearly touched the ground with one of her arms as she attempted to gain back her balance. When she got to 16 her foot hit the ground, and again at 23.
Barbie was taken into custody for driving under the influence of alcohol. While escorting Barbie back to my patrol vehicle she stated, "Is there anything I can do to get out of this right now, even involving both of you guys, I don't care." Barbie was placed in marked patrol vehicle #60 for transport back to University Police Department.
While transporting Barbie back to UPD, she stated, "I offered you basically sex or anything you want. I would have done anything you wanted. We could have had a great time. This could have been a better situation for both of us." During the transport, I also observed Barbie's mood shift back and forth drastically. In one breath she would be crying, then become angry and vulgar and then she would begin laughing hysterically.
At headquarters, Barbie was read her Miranda Rights, at which time she opted not to waive her rights. It should be noted that during the processing of Barbie, she repeatedly called Sgt. Dildo and I, "Fucking Asshole Cops." Barbie's mood swings continued to become more extreme while at headquarters. I then read Barbie the Standard Statement Form, at which time she agreed to give samples of her breath for chemical testing. All electronic devices were removed from the holding area and Barbie was observed for twenty minutes prior to Sgt. Dildo administering the ALCOTEST to Barbie. Barbie's B.A.C. was .17%.
Barbie was issued a motor vehicle violation for Driving Under the Influence, Failure to Maintain Lanes, and Maintenance of lamps. Barbie was released to her father with a North Buttfuck court date of July 29, 2009.
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